It is so good to see you! I’ve missed you so much. I often have imaginary conversations with you. Today I saw a bald eagle sitting in a high branch on a cottonwood and I wished you were there to share it with me. It was a beautiful day—chilly and windy, a late fall day. One of those days where the sky is so blue it seems it might shatter and the eagle’s head was brilliant white against the sky. You would have loved it.
I know that you’ve been trying lots of different things and really searching to find what is right for you. I want to hear about your experiences. What have you been up to? How has it been? It’s not easy to step away from the group and into our own self. But it is worth it. I want you to know that. It is worth it, and in time we find our people, the ones who love and support us for who we are. That will happen for you, I know. I just don’t know when.
When I saw the eagle today and I thought of you, I got the feeling that you might be going through a rough time. I remembered some rough times in my life. Times when I hit a wall so hard that I couldn’t get up for days. I mean that; I would stay on my couch or in bed for days. Months, even, a few times. I would hate not only the wall, but also myself–I would beat myself up, endlessly, for not getting off the couch.
We have high expectations for ourselves, as we should. But when we hit walls, we have to give ourselves grace and generosity and kindness. None of us came out of the womb knowing how to deal with walls this hard. So far I’ve always managed to get up and get going again. I found ways around the walls, but it takes a lot of time and energy. All of that is the long way to say that I know that you will keep going and moving when the time is right. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Take a slow walk. Enjoy your surroundings. Look for bald eagles and think of me.
I’m rambling on. You and your partner are welcome in our house for the holiday. We’ve been trying to keep a Norfolk Pine alive all year, but really it looks like that Charlie Brown Christmas tree and the dogs aren’t helping—they’ve knocked it over three times in the last week, as they were running to the window to bark at a rabbit! If you can accept my house with barking dogs and the unfortunate Christmas tree, I’m happy to have you and anyone you bring. We can sit by the fire and drink hot chocolate—real hot chocolate, made in a saucepan!—and watch the snow. And I hope that in our togetherness, we all feel some healing shifts in our souls.
As a parent, I want you to have a fulfilling life, whatever that looks like for you. I don’t know your exact situation, but I know that we all have deep wounds. I support you in being you. Please accept my love, and here’s a big hug, and, oh! Let me brush that dog hair off you.