Holiday Mom: Krissy

krissyTo My Dear Holiday Child,

The thought that you will spend the holidays with us makes me so happy!  We all would love so much to see you and to give you hugs and hear your stories. Spending time with you is such a joy.

I know sometimes when the weather starts to chill and the sky gets dark early it’s easy to feel alone. So many people have mixed feelings about the holidays and I just wanted to let you know that it’s okay to feel that way. That’s why we have set up this holiday to be a little bit simple, and a little bit quiet, and a little bit loud, and full of love. You just be you, exactly as you are, however you are feeling, and I will be happy that you are with us.

This year we made sure to see all the distant family early in the year so it will just be me (mom), your dad, and your brother and sister as well as the four cats and two dogs.  We adopted another husky this year so the house is even crazier with animals. It’s a good place to be when the wind blows outside and the snow falls.  The yard is pretty and the house is warm and there are many soft animals that need cuddles. Nobody here is ever really alone.

The holiday is going to be so much fun! We planned so many delicious things to eat; we are going to make baked salmon with a veggie sausage and portabella mushroom stuffing.  We will have gravy and a huge salad. Dad makes a gorgeous sweet potato bake with marshmallows.  I will teach you the family secret to the perfect apple pie and we will eat ourselves sick on it with ice cream or whipped cream.  Your sister likes pumpkin pie.  I would love to make you your favorites and yes I will totally make turkey or ham if that means holidays to you, so please tell me what would make the day seem right!

Because I have a deep love of candles the entire house always smells of cinnamon or something seasonal, and because Dad’s a musician the day is likely to be filled with jazz music.  The kids will probably want to watch movies and because it’s a holiday we’ll probably let them.  We may have a dance party at some point because dancing is fun and good for the soul, either joining in or watching.  We’ll be thinking of you when the music is playing and we are dancing.

This holiday season I want you to know that you are so very special.  There is nobody else in the world like you and you are so important. The world turns better because you are in it. The world is better because you are here and able to love and smile and give to the people who love and smile with you. I wanted to remind you that, despite the tough times you’ve been through and the uncertainty ahead, the error is not in you.  You are not wrong.  You are exactly right just as you are. The error is in a world that would ignore the real you; the error is the inability to see the amazing person that you are and respect your right to tell the universe who you are and where you fit.  You are amazing and you fit with us.  Nobody here is afraid. Nobody here is hesitant.  We love you and we will be by your side when you need us.

Please know, my dear, that your adopted holiday mom is part of the LGBTQIA community.  I have faced people who didn’t understand me. I have looked into the faces of people disgusted by who I am and been baffled.  How could me being me be disgusting to anyone?  I have faced discrimination and the constant decision whether to come out (coming out never seems to end, does it?) and what it might mean for my family if I do.  I have been erased and I have been targeted, but what I have also been is loved.  Deeply. By someone who accepts me exactly as I am, without equivocation.  I have a family and friends and a home and a life that anyone would envy and I did it while being true to who I am.  That may not be something that is in your world right now but I’m here to tell you that it’s possible.  The well-meaning people who pretend to weep for you and who will tell you that your “choices” lead to suffering are wrong.  They are not choices, they are who you are and you will find your forever because you are in charge of you.  It’s okay to do what you need to do to survive where you are right now. It’s also okay to know that they are wrong and when the pretending is over you will be like a star in the night sky.  You shine so brightly.  I can see it from here.  Anyone who cannot see it is missing out; they are missing something so precious. You are so special to me.

Until we can see each other please keep in mind that you need to eat. You need to stay hydrated and take care of yourself.  Moms worry, and you are important to me.  Until I can take care of you I ask you to care for yourself the way that I would.  Take care of your heart and your brain and your body.  Make sure you do something every day that feeds your soul and please remember to feel good about your successes, whether that is finishing your art book or finishing a homework project or simply getting out of bed on a day when that seems like scaling a mountain. Your successes are so wonderful. I’m proud of you.  I’m very proud of you.

I am thinking of you right now and giving you a huge hug.

All my love,

Your Holiday Mom

Krissy

 

28 comments

  1. Maddi says:

    Holiday Parents

    Thank you for this, it always helps me so much and lately I’ve been struggling with self harm and my sexuality and gender… But this always helps. I feel so much more accepted after I read these and I’d like to say that in only these two or three months I have been a part of this my life has been saved at least four times. So thank you. I wish I could say more, or give back, but thank you. Thank you for saving me, and probably so many more. – Holiday Child Maddi <3

  2. Tia says:

    This is such a significant thing you have here. Although I’m not really rejected as part of LGBTQIA, I needed some support and love. My grandparents are coming to my house for Christmas, and they are very conservative and religious. I know they will ask me questions about my views just to pick a fight. I need to prepare and I can’t stop them but I don’t know what to do. I have my pets and my friends, but I just can’t get anyone to understand that the holidays are usually a struggle for me. I am a writer and I cope with feelings by writing. It really helps. I feel a bit isolated but I think I’ll pull through for the holidays.
    Thanks, Holiday Mom.
    Tia

    • Krissy says:

      Dearest Tia,

      Oh my lands, that sounds utterly exhausting. It sounds like you have a final coming up that you know you will fail given to you by people who are supposed to love you and be kind, even if you do believe different things. That sounds so sad.

      I want to spout out all this advice that I have in my head and get angry on your behalf (I am, a bit, I admit it), but to be honest I am absolutely sure that you are coping with the situation as well as anyone could. I just want to remind you that however you choose to deal with it is exactly right. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your good heart. I want you to know that as those questions are coming at you I am sitting by your side holding your hand and rolling my eyes along with you.

      I accept you. I love you. I trust you to take care of yourself.

      I am very excited to hear that you like writing! When I was younger I enjoyed the idea of being a writer but I never practiced enough to be really good at it. I would love a story as a gift for Christmas if you have one waiting in the wings, or just to talk about your writing. What do you like to write about?

      I am standing by you and love you. Take your time, understand that it’s normal to have a hard time this time of year even without the family setting you up.

      I love you so so much, When we pick teams I pick you for my team first.

      Your Mom

      • Tia says:

        Dear mom,

        Thank you for writing back. It’s surprisingly comforting.
        My grandparents are visibly arguing with my parents about political views, and this is a bit stressful. I hope all goes well for the holidays. To answer your question, I like to write about a lot of things. I mostly write about my life experiences, like memories from childhood. I get inspiration very often, and so I have lots of little pieces that aren’t finished. I look forward to finishing those over break.
        Happy holidays,
        Tia

  3. Tia says:

    Dear Mom,
    This is such a significant thing you have here. Although I’m not really rejected as part of LGBTQIA, I needed some support and love. My grandparents are coming to my house for Christmas, and they are very conservative and religious. I know they will ask me questions about my views just to pick a fight. I need to prepare and I can’t stop them but I don’t know what to do. I have my pets and my friends, but I just can’t get anyone to understand that the holidays are usually a struggle for me. I am a writer and I cope with feelings by writing. It really helps. I feel a bit isolated but I think I’ll pull through for the holidays.
    Thanks, Holiday Mom.
    Tia

    • Peg says:

      Dear Tia,

      Answer their questions with facts ~ try to keep emotion out of it. You may find some teachable moments. I’ve learned a trick ~ when someone wants to pick a fight with you and you lower your voice, they can’t hear you. They will often stop their rant and listen to the quiet voice that is making sense. It’s worth a try…

      I Love You,
      Mom Peg

      • Krissy says:

        Tia,

        Please also remember that you need to keep yourself safe. If you feel like replying with facts or getting into a debate or an argument, that’s ok. It’s also ok to decide not to engage. Remember: it is not your responsibility to teach the world, so don’t feel pressured to do it if it doesn’t feel safe or good for you.

        It’s okay to say “I’m not going to talk about that, but I’m enjoying hearing your views. What fantastic turkey, right?”

        It sounds from your original post that they know your feelings about things and are setting you up to knock you down. It’s okay to not participate in that.

        • Holiday Ciocia says:

          Hi Tia,

          I’m sorry to hear that some of your family members can’t see how awesome you are like we can.

          I will be rolling my eyes with you too, and sending a few extra hugs.

          I hope you can find a small moment of joy in your holiday, or are able to take some time to something nice just for you, even if it’s just for five minutes, like making a paper snowflake to hang on your door, taking a minute to look at some holiday lights or taking a few minutes each day to get some writing in with a nice cup of cocoa or your favorite holiday beverage.

  4. Aleja says:

    Dear Mamma,

    When I was little I was taught me how to make pasteles, a special dish we make for Christmas and Three Kings Day. I’d love to teach you and my holiday family all about them! And all of those pets sound so much fun! I’d love to cuddle with them. Thank you so much mama.

    Love,
    Aleja

    • Krissy says:

      Hello, sweet Aleja baby,

      Pastels sound wonderful! What are they made of? We will have so many we will pop.

      I’m saving a spot for you on the couch and we have hot chocolate ready. Come and be warm.

      Love,

      Your Mama

      • Aleja says:

        Mama,

        Pasteles are a lot like tamales, with a malanga and plantain dough, filled with flavored pork, sofrito and other goodness, all wrapped in plantain leaves and boiled. Some people steam them, but I like the way the dough turns out when boiled. We used to cook a ton and freeze them for later. Papa, brother and sister could help too! Of course, the dogs could get a couple strips of pork too.

        Love,
        Aleja

  5. Phoenix says:

    Dear Mom,
    It is so lovely to be welcomed in to your home! I could help dad fill the home with beautiful music because i play the violin as well as 4 other instruments. If my sister and brother would like i could teach them how to swing dance. I could bake my famous cheesy potatoes and fill the house with lovely smells. I come from a very judgmental christian household and they wont let my girlfriend near the house, so i would be bringing her home with me. You would love her, she enjoys animals and is in school to work with horses. these letters mean so much to be honest and they make going to my home a bit more bearable also they make it easier to pretend im elsewhere.
    with love,
    your holiday daughter,
    Phoenix

    • Krissy says:

      Oh Pheonix! You are a child after my own heart. Your dad and I met in the late 1990s when I was a swing dancer and he toured in a big band. I am more a dancer than a musician but we are a very musical family. We have drums and a piano and a stand up bass and a trumpet and a plethora of trombones. We will insist you bring your violin and we can swing dance for hours.

      I’m so proud to hear you have found love. She sounds like a wonderful person and of course she is invited! We want to hear all about her studies and her work. If you love her she must be amazing!

      Please, please make cheesy potatos. Oh my goodness cheesy potatos!

      All my love, I can’t wait to see you!

      Mom

      • Phoenix says:

        Dear mom,
        I’ve been swing dancing since I was 10 I’m 20 now. I was also in color guard (the dancing with the large flags) and did ballet and tap. I play the piano and guitar as well as the bass and I taught myself all three I’m also an artist so your gifts will most likely be art I have created. And I hope you like the cheesy potatoes I put the French fried onions over the top and I’ve been told their to die for. I think it’s super cute how you and dad met. And she’s absolutely perfect, on sweetest day she took me to a hidden pond my our college and made a bonfire, we watched stars and danced under the moon for hours.
        With love ;
        Phoenix

  6. Lauryn says:

    Thank you so much for doing this! It was the first letter that I read and actually took to heart so thank you for that! You have such a gift with words! I have a small tortoise so he doesn’t cuddle very much but he would love to eat that salad! Thank you so much for including me in your family holidays this year, it means so much to know that people like you do that for us. Even though I am not currently living with my family, I am thankful that I do live with a family that loves me and that you accept me too! Thanks again for all that you do.
    P.S. I really like giving hugs so here’s a big one SQUEEZE!!

    • Krissy says:

      My dearest Lauryn,

      I love hugs, too and I could feel that squeeze from over here! I hope you felt me squeezing you back! Hugs with loved ones are just the BEST.

      I’m glad you have a family who loves you. I’m sorry that you don’t have two families who love you. You deserve all the families you want to join. You are fantastic. We are all lucky to have you in our lives.

      Please bring your tortoise! What is his name? We once met a turtle named Poke and we loved him very much. It’s not his fault that he’s not hairy! The kids would love to watch him eat salad. We should come up with something special for the holidays for him. I bet the dogs are going to be so baffled when they see him. It will be hysterical! Your brother will probably want his own right away so you’re going to have to visit often so I don’t have to buy an aquarium.

      I’m SQUEEZing you right back and I can’t wait for the holiday season with you.

      Much much love,

      Mom

      • Lauryn says:

        Now you’re making me start to cry! My tortoises name is Cornelius. Well the full version is Cornelius Abbott Oscar but that’s a mouthful so it’s just Corny. It’s really fun to watch him eat! One time a cat was wondering what he was and he got scared and peed all over! So the dogs and cats would all love hime. I can’t wait to show him to all of you! Thanks for having us this holiday season!

  7. Yaeli says:

    Dear Mom,

    Thank you for this wonderful letter, I appreciate it very much. The thing that made me smile was the dancing part! I love dancing, and espcially ballet! I’m always warmed by the letters from all the holiday moms. I’m very glad you wrote this one! I love the holidays, and even though I spend it with my family, I feel distant since they don’t accept. Thank you so much!

    (PS: I love ham a lot, it’s a thing for me on the holidays!)

    • Krissy says:

      Dearest Yaeli,

      We are going to have so much fun dancing this year! Your little sister is just starting ballet. She’s only four but she’s very proud of the positions she knows. She will probably pester you for ages for tips and help with her ballet. If you’d like, I can put the nutracker suite on the TV for us to watch. Your brother is 11 and he loves dancing, too, although he likes to pretend he doesn’t. He begged for Just Dance 16 this year and he’ll be getting it, so that’s an entire day of rocking out. He is going to insist you do it with him. We are all going to be amazed at what you can do. Please show off! You are brilliant and we love it!

      I will go and get the best ham they have from Whole Foods this year. Do you like it honey glazed? With pineapple? What side do you have with it? Applesauce? We’ll make sure that everything is there. This is home and we will make sure it feels that way.

      Remember that when it comes to other people accepting you that you can’t control that. Remember that it’s not up to you to control it, their acceptance is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be the best you you can be and to love yourself the way you would love the best person you know. All you can do is be you and keep safe and know that acceptance is a decision and our family accepts you exactly as you are.

      I am sending you a huge hug and reminding you to dance and dance and dance this year. Because you are glorious!

      Lots of love to you,

      Mom

      • Yaeli says:

        Thank you! I will give my sister some tips on ballet, and I really hope she strives through it! I’m glad my brother likes to dance also, even though he may deny it.

        I like my ham just honey glazed, but if anyone prefers anything, they can have it!

        Thank you holiday mom, for all that you do!

  8. Krissy says:

    Awww, Leon, that’s wonderful to hear that you have NB and Ghost who know what’s important in life. They sound very special. Animals see right through the mess, don’t they? I’m so sorry you have so few people to fill that spot. I’m here to tell you that there are TONS of people out there who willl value you above anything else and who, just like NB and Ghost, will be there at the end of a long day for a cuddle and a laugh.

    I’m sorry you feel isolated right now. I see you. I see you and I’m giving you a huge hug and we can just flop on the couch and cuddle and talk or watch a movie. Ghost and NB are absolutely invited to this holiday with us. That will make five cats and three dogs! Think of all the lap-sitting and cuddles!

    This holiday I want to remind you that YOU are really important. You are so important.

    All my love,

    Mom

  9. Leon says:

    Honestly, the first thing that made me smile was the dogs (not to say anything before that didn’t touch me). I’m an animal lover, and I only really have my dog, Nutter Butter, and my cat, Ghost. Everyday when I get home from a long day of school NB is always right there to immediately lay down in my lap as soon as I sit down. Sometimes even Ghost will want to come inside to cuddle. Other than these letters, and the sparse conversations with distant friends, they’re the ones that make me feel like I’m not alone.
    Thank you, holiday mom, for reminding me what’s really important.

    • Krissy says:

      Awww, Leon, that’s wonderful to hear that you have NB and Ghost who know what’s important in life. They sound very special. Animals see right through the mess, don’t they? I’m so sorry you have so few people to fill that spot. I’m here to tell you that there are TONS of people out there who willl value you above anything else and who, just like NB and Ghost, will be there at the end of a long day for a cuddle and a laugh.

      I’m sorry you feel isolated right now. I see you. I see you and I’m giving you a huge hug and we can just flop on the couch and cuddle and talk or watch a movie. Ghost and NB are absolutely invited to this holiday with us. That will make five cats and three dogs! Think of all the lap-sitting and cuddles!

      This holiday I want to remind you that YOU are really important. You are so important.

      All my love,

      Mom

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