Holiday Mom: Jean

jean story holiday child 15 pic

To hear Jean read her letter, click here! 

My Dear Holiday Child,   Hello again!

A year has passed since we last spoke and I am happy that it is once again time to catch up. This past year has seen Joys and sadness, Triumphs and tumbles, Hopes and fears, and Up and downs. I imagine the same can be said for you – (I imagine the same can be said for nearly everyone).

I want to begin by reminding you that I think of you and send loving and healing thoughts your way all year long – it may not seem like it since I only write a letter during the Holiday Season but I assure you that I carry you in my heart each and every day of the year.

I hope that since we last spoke that some healing has occurred in your life, that some rays of light have appeared. I pray that you have received at least a little of the acceptance and love that you were needing at this time last year (truth be told I hope your received MUCH more than a little).   I do not know if you received warmth and light and acceptance from your Mom or your family or if you found the glimmers of light in other unexpected places – but I am proud of you for being open enough to see and receive the light (wherever it came from).

If this is the first year that you have visited the Holiday Mom website –  Welcome!

Welcome to a community of Momma’s  that are here for the sole purpose of reminding you that you are loved and treasured unconditionally; that you are Perfect just as you are; and that you never have to apologize for being truthful about who you are or who you love. Our community here wants you to soak up all of the limitless love and acceptance we offer and allow it to be a blanket of warmth for you throughout this Holiday Season.

When the moments are hardest – close your eyes and reflect back onto our words and our voices and allow the warmth of them to strengthen you through those times. You can come back here anytime you need your love tank filled.

I know that the Holiday Season can intensify feelings of loneliness – it is a chaotic and stressful time for many.

It can be hard to not currently be a part of family traditions when they once meant so much

It can be hard when you feel isolated from the people you miss the most –

It can be hard when your spirit craves a loving holiday season and it does not seem possible this year –

But if the reason you are not currently embraced by your family is because you feel loved with conditions…

if it is because you feel judged for being YOU,

if it is because you are scared and feel the need to hide your truth,

if you are being told that there is something wrong with you –

Hear me tell you that there is NOTHING WRONG with you.

When I was a child, at Christmas time; once the Tree was all decorated and the lights were about to be plugged in for the first time, we made sure that the song “The Happiest Christmas Tree” was playing.   One year I remembered to bring the music to our daughter and son-in-law’s home so that our grandchildren could hear it; it meant so much to me. (I’m the happiest Christmas tree (hohoho hee hee hee) someone came and they found me and took me home with them…)

On Christmas Eve, everyone still gets one gift to open and it is ALWAYS new pajamas. It is cold and snowy where we live, so every year they are warm and cozy to snuggle up in.  And you are now part of that tradition!  So, snuggle up and open your gift with us.

When the stockings are hung and filled while the little ones are asleep, I have chosen to continue some of the items that my childhood stockings always had:

The toe has to be filled with a fresh Mandarin Orange

There is a new toothbrush in there

There is a roll of Rum and Butter flavored Lifesavers

And most importantly, there is always a candy cane hanging off the inside corner.

You may think after reading these few simple traditions that I had a seamless and calm childhood and was blessed with an always loving and always stable family.   It may seem that this Momma cannot possibly understand what it feels like to be alone, or insecure, or disappointed, or even angry (especially when the truth of these feelings is deeply justified).

But this Momma DOES UNDERSTAND! Though I have never been judged or belittled because of who I am or who I love, I have experienced Christmas times when my heart was broken and dreams were shattered, and I could not wait for the calendar pages to turn; holiday seasons where it was painful to watch others celebrate in unity and times when I could not find the desire to put on a smile for anyone.

And yet as I remember now and reflect back on my 50+ Christmas’s I do smile because I have chosen to concentrate on the moments of goodness and light at each stage of my life – my Grandma always taught me that “in hard times; do what you would always be doing” (i.e.: don’t let the chaos control you but show it who is boss).

Feel me encourage you to try to heed my Grandma’s advice – if this Holiday Season is particularly “hard” try to muster the strength to show the world and yourself who is in charge of how you feel and how you choose to define the Holidays this year. (You show the chaos that you are in control).

If you feel overwhelmed at times with sadness because you are feeling alone this season,

remember that there is always a ray of light around the corner if you remain open to it.

(We Holiday Momma’s are one huge source of that light).

If you are angry or feeling rejected, let our love be the light.

If you are confused or craving approval, let us be your light.

As you  look out the windows this Holidays Season; each time you see a string of lights twinkling remind yourself of the love from all of your Holiday Moms.

We are your Light and we embrace you with open arms and love you exactly as you are.

Merry Christmas my Special Holiday Child. I love you unconditionally,

Momma Jean

60 comments

  1. Louis says:

    Dear momma Jean. Thank you so so so much for letting us hear this in your wonderful voice. I don’t want to go into my problems this Christmas, but I’ve only just heard about this recently. I have no solid home for this holiday season, but laying down tonight and hearing this was all I needed to feel loved. Thank you for everything you said in this letter, it gave a boy hope for the holidays, if not a home.

    • Jean says:

      Louis,
      So sorry that things are so tough right now. I am glad you took a moment to feel the love and encouragement offered here.
      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

  2. Jenna says:

    Momma Jean, hearing you read your letter made me tear up. First, let me start by saying that I just heard about this blog this evening. I’m fortunate enough to have a loving biological momma; even last night someone mentioned my old girlfriend–who was toxic and harmful–and she gave me a kind of “It will all be okay because I’m here for you” look. But that’s as much as we ever talk about things like that–it’s just not a household topic for us. My usual source of support for LGBTQ+ related things has dumped me this week, dragging along their equally supportive momma away from me with them. I’m making an effort not to be a grinch this year, and I’m so thankful for you and all the other mommas who are doing this for the kids who could use a someone to lean on.
    Gratefully,
    Jenna

    • Jean says:

      Jenna,
      How wonderful that you have a loving Momma of our own! We are happy that right now when you need a bit extra that you found the love of your Holiday Momma’s too – we too say It will all be okay.
      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

  3. Theo says:

    Thank you so much. I feel left our from so many things not because I’m physically left out but because I’m not me around my family. When I told them I was pansexual I was told I was going through a phase so that pretty much got rid of any chance of telling them I’m Transgender. It’s been really hard. It feels like this constant screaming In the back of my head telling me to tell them that they are wrong and that I’m not a girl but I can’t and sometimes I feel like I’m stuck but reading things like these give me hope.

    • Jean says:

      Theo,
      You can be yourself with us – we believe in you and your truth!
      Hope that the love offered by Your Holiday Moms helps to quiet that screaming and that you can truly feel our unconditional love.
      Momma Jean

  4. Elliot G says:

    Hey Momma,
    This post made me cry…. even though I’m still in contact with my mother, she hasn’t been a “mom” to me in a very long time… I’ve been experiencing a lot of health problems and I won’t even be able to enjoy my Christmas with anyone this year…. thank you for your kind words written in the letter above.

    Merry Christmas,
    Elliot

    • Chey says:

      Dearest Elliot,
      I do hope you are getting the care you need for your health issues. This time of year can be so difficult for so many reasons. SOOOOOOO many reasons. Health problems do seem to make some things much, much worse.
      But we are here with virtual hugs and hot tea, Elliot. You are loved. Deeply.
      We love you,
      Mama Chey

    • Jean says:

      Elliot,
      So sorry you have not been well – we send healing and loving thoughts your way
      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

  5. Haze/John says:

    Thank you mama Jean. This made me cry because I had a light and I was so afraid that I recently pushed it/them away. Now I wish they would come back but I screwed up. My feelings of loneliness don’t help with the fact that this is also my birthday month. Thank you for being my light.
    ~wishing my special light would return.

    • Jean says:

      Haze/John,
      So sorry you are feeling alone.
      We are here to remind you that you are never alone.
      (Happy Early Birthday to you as well)
      Momma Jean

  6. Fuji says:

    I saw a tumblr post about this site and I just checked it out. Thank you for this. I almost started crying as I started to read these kind words.
    I’m a polyamorous bisexual girl and I have to hide that from my family and the the holidays are always so hard for me. I always get treated badly and judged and they don’t even know who I am truly am. Even though I’m 24 I still feel like a failure because my own family can’t accept me for who I am.
    I really needed this. Thank you so much.

    • Jean says:

      Fuji ,
      You are not a failure. Stand in your truth and hold onto the knowledge that all of your Holiday Moms love YOU for being YOU.
      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

  7. Blake says:

    I’m new to this site, not really sure how this all works. I’m a 24 year old FTM transman. Freshly single as of yesterday unfortunately. And i really don’t have anyone left. I have always dreaded the holidays and now it’s even worse bc I’m alone. Could really use some support to get through all of this.

    • Jean says:

      Blake
      I am sorry you had a rough day and feel alone.
      You are not alone – all of us here love you and accept you .
      Please come back often and let our letters warm your heart
      HUGS,
      Momma Jean

      • Blake says:

        I just left the hospital. Had a severe panic attack that I didn’t recognize as one, felt like a heart attack. Sucks being alone all the time when you really need someone to simply be with you.

        • Angelic says:

          Blake,
          That is really tough. Not all of us have been there, but many of us have. Even when you don’t have someone there physically with you, you have all of us here loving you & glad to have you join us. Thank you for adding to our holiday cheer.
          Much love, Mama Angelic

          • Peg says:

            Blake,
            You are not alone. You have 40 moms this year and another 300+ moms that wanted to write letters. Thank you for taking care of yourself when I wasn’t there.
            I Love You Blake,
            Mom Peg

        • Jean says:

          Blake,
          Come back to your Holiday Moms often… our love is real and sincere.
          We hope our love helps you breath gently
          Momma Jean

          • Blake says:

            Oh I will be here. This definitely makes me feel a little less alone. The holidays are awful for me but I’m glad I now have a place to turn to.

  8. Caitlin says:

    Dear mom, I love you so much. The support and loving family you’re providing us, is unimaginable. We grew up thinking that because we’re different that we would be loved less than “normal” children. I’m proud to say, that with you and my other holiday moms, I finally feel accepted. Thank you mom. I love you and happy holidays.

    • Momma Jean says:

      Caitlin,
      We love you too! (and we DO accept you)
      So glad you found us.
      Happy Holidays to you too
      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

        • Angelic says:

          Caitlin, Thank you for joining our holiday!! I think you are just right exactly as you are, and I know that you will touch the world in a way no one else has or will. Yay for us! I love you & send big hugs, Mama Angelic

  9. Emily says:

    Momma Jean,
    Being genderfluid has forced me to hide who I truly am and I can’t help to feel alone and lost. I have let the world shape me into who they want me to be, as I have yet to find the support in my real life that I crave. Your letter has given me so much hope and joy for the future. It made me begin to think that maybe, just maybe, I can find someone in this world that is alike to you and the rest of the holiday Mommas and Grandmas, someone who will love me unconditionally for all that I am, genderfluidity and all.
    I can’t deny that at times it has been difficult for me to continue with my journey and in these moments, I wanted more than anything to just end it all. I am not proud of this, but I look forward to the day where I can set my own chessy, yet heartwarming Christmas traditions. In the Christmases that I have experienced with my family, our celebrations have been cold and we don’t have any traditions. Maybe my happy dreams for the future that include warm Christmases surrounded by people that love me for who I am will give me the needed drive to not give up on my life.
    Accepting that who I am is not a mistake will be a difficult journey, but I can’t begin to thank you and the rest of the holiday Mommas enough for the love and support that I desperately need. It means the world to me.
    With love,
    Emily

    • Momma Jean says:

      Emily,
      You never need to hide who you are here – we all love you just as you are.
      Please continue to believe and have Hope – we all believe in a bright future for you
      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

  10. Christina says:

    momma jean, thank you so much for this!! being able to hear your words as well as read them feels extra special.. and admittedly i almost cried experiencing your letter today (it was during school ((for context, im 15 years old and attending sophomore year in highschool)) too… that wouldve been bad, haha!!) im aftaid that im not having a terribly good day today, just for a lot of reasons that are out of my control (and unsurprisingly involve my birth parents being bad at what they do), but im sure that ill make it through from your encouragement! the part about being scared and needing to hide the truth really and truly resonates me since im a (perpetually) closeted lesbian.. you have such a marvelous way with words!! i wish i had known about this site before this year, because i would have LOVED to read your other letter(s? how long have you been writing for yhm??) but what matters is that i was blessed by this one and will be blessed by all the other letters to come! even with all the rambling that im doing i dont think ill ever be able to describe the gratitude i feel for you and all the other moms!! im usually content with having parents who, in a way, are able to love me despite my identity (or rather, without knowledge of it) but these letters have taught me thats its possible to be loved BECAUSE of who i love and who i am!!! imagine that!!
    im going to cut this off before i write you an entire essay. take care, momma! i love you
    ❤️christina

    • Momma Jean says:

      Christina,
      We are glad that you feel the Love and Acceptance that all of us “Holiday Momma’s” feel for you.
      So glad your day was made brighter by this.
      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

    • Momma Jean says:

      Dear Christina,
      To answer your question: I have been blessed to take part in letter writing for Holiday Moms for two seasons (though the program has been around longer). I hope to be able to share my love for many years to come.

  11. Fabi says:

    Thank you and everyone else who is a part of this project! I’m not abolished from my fanily because im not out if the closet! But I’m so thankfull that you’re writinh these letters which lets me feel accepted and tolerated! I’m a gay boy and I’m always thinking about the LGBT+ community and what they or we have been through! I just want to say thank you again and I hope you can understand what I wrote ’cause I’m from Germany and English in’t my first language!! Thank u again!

    • Momma Jean says:

      Fabi,
      You are so much more than tolerated here: you are loved and valued.
      We are glad you found us!
      Hugs
      Momma Jean

      (Your English was great – you did a terrific job).

  12. Cassidy says:

    Mom –
    Thank you so so much for your letter. It’s great to know you’re here for me, gender aside!
    Hugs,
    Cassidy

  13. Elaine says:

    Hi Momma Jean

    Thank you – and all the other holiday moms. It means a lot to me. Its been a rough year. And I’ve had to put up boundaries with my family, so while I’m finally returning to my home town the day after Christmas, I won’t be visiting them. And it hurts.

    I’ve cried so much with every post each day, but its a good cry because it means I’m still alive. Thank you for doing this, for writing this letter and letting me hear your voice. A part of me wants to send these to my own mom and see what she says, but the other part is too scared. there have already been so many arguments.

    Thank you again for sharing that love that I miss.

    Elaine

  14. Gabby says:

    Dear Momma Jean,
    Thank you so much for this letter. It is exactly what I needed. I’m new to the Holiday Mom family but I already feel so welcomed and loved by people I have never met, much more so than my actual Mom. Your Grandma’s quote is really inspiring me as my life is full of hard times and chaos, and I promise to keep it in mind. I love the idea of joining you in all of your traditions.
    Love, Gabby

    • Momma Jean says:

      Gabby
      My Grandma was a smart woman. I hear her voice in my head often – so glad her wisdom touched you too.
      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

  15. Leon says:

    Hi, momma Jean. My name is Leon. I live in the US, and I’m only 17. I’m transgendered. (FtM) I actually signed up for this mailing list last year, before I came out to my family. I was very afraid before I did, and almost everyday I got in a fight with my parents, because I was hostile. After I came out, it just got worse, then month’s later it thinned out completely, and everyone was in denial. They still are. I get extremely uncomfortable when I’m called a girl, and only have long distance friends to lean on. I’m scared about my future, and sometimes think I should just comply with what everyone else wants, because it might be easier that way.
    Getting an email this morning, reminding me there was a new post here, I went to read it. Now I’m filled with a new hope. Thank you.

    • Momma Jean says:

      Leon,
      Do not fear your future – I believe it will be great. Stand in your truth and all things are possible.

      So glad that you are filled with “new hope” !

      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

  16. Diego says:

    hi momy Jean,
    I am Diego and i have 20 years old. I am an braziliam boy.
    this year will be my second year alone.
    My parents always had a lot of problens in life, but they were always together, and i was with them. i never said to them who i was cause i was afraid to be a burden to them. the day i came out to them they reject me. i was always with them, in every trouble. the day i needed them they throw me away. this broke me. i decided to get out of home cause i could not live there with them trying to changing me. saying that i am a siner or that i will go to hell. i could not say the word gay in there. living there was like hell. so i dicided to move out. And now i am here alone. i have a few of friends that are very great, but what i want is parents. its a mom to talk with. but i dont want to live in hell again. They just dont support me. they think that i am a freak. this make me so sad. why they cant see that i love them even if they are diferent from me? i am reading this blog for a week and i think its awesome. i just decided to write today because i need to thank you and you grandma or my great grandma for that phrase. i am a lover of phases and i will write that in my heart. i am in hard moments for 2 years and in this 2 years i kept doind what i was doing. Thank you for helping me to put it down in words.
    with love, your new holiday son, Deigo.

    • Momma Jean says:

      Diego,
      We are so glad you visit us daily! Keep coming back.
      We are happy you feel the “Momma Love” here –
      Keep being You and trusting in Goodness.
      Hugs
      Momma Jean

  17. Mark says:

    Holiday Mom,

    I’ve been having a rough couple of days and reading your letter brought me so much light this morning. Acceptance is such a big thing that I lack in my life that I look for it everywhere and am heartbroken and empty when I can’t find it. In fact, just this past weekend my mother decided to make a point of highlighting what was “wrong” with me using those words exactly. So how comforting it is to hear you say the opposite. Thank you for saying what I needed to hear at the right time. I hold your love in my heart and will look toward it as a beacon when I’m feeling low. Thank you so much for accepting me for who I am and for reassuring me that I’m not broken or wrong.

    With all my love,
    Mark

    • Momma Jean says:

      Dear Mark,
      Good for you for searching out Light and Love – I believe it is found in many places if we keep our hearts open to seeing it.
      You are Indeed loved just as you are – (and there is nothing wrong with you )
      Hugs
      Momma Jean

  18. Lisa says:

    Dear Holiday Momma Jean,
    I get it now! Others have written about tears of relief and joy after reading one or another Holiday Mom’s letter, but yours is the one has struck a deep resounding harmony in me. We are probably contemporaries, you and I, as I am biologically 52 years old, but my hurting child self has never heard or felt this kind of love and acceptance from either of my parents or extended family. Lots of dysfunction, denial, abuse, alcoholism and judgementalism/condemnation there. I crave the large extended and immediate family that I used to pretend I had, but the reality was it was never safe for me ad a child, and I can choose to not be in a psychologically harmful atmosphere any more. So the holidays are just me and my partner/wife with our menagerie of pets (3 birds, 2 cats and a dog.)

    Both of us are disabled (psychological disabilities) and I have considered my therapy and recovery from my damaged past as my “job” since I cannot work. (Long story there.)

    You would think by now that I would have found a way to give myself the words I need to hear and heal, but, I didn’t have them growing up, and my mom was incapable of saying them /giving me them while she was alive (she’s been dead 11 years this December 15th.) Thank you for sharing your Christmas traditions with me(us) and expressing the words and feelings that my soul longs to hear. I am still crying. LOL

    I will keep reading the other mom’s letters, but I know yours will be one I will return to often. God bless you!

    Lisa

    • Momma Jean says:

      Lisa
      I am so glad my words today helped you to “Get it”.
      It is an honor to help you find your way to Healing …
      You are doing a Good Job – Keeping Going :)
      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

  19. Jackson says:

    Seeing this made it all a little better. I had just fallen asleep in class because the night before I was up struggling with my emoutins. I just want to be loved and cared about by all of my family. And I know they can’t if I where to tell them I’m trans. The dayse seem so hard and sometimes there’s days when I feel like I can’t continue. Like its not going to get better and I’m going to get stuck. Last night was one of thouse nights. And today is one of thouse days. But this helps me feel loved. Like its worth it. Thank you.

    • Momma Jean says:

      Jackson,
      It WILL get Better! Keep Moving Forward!
      We DO Love you and Care about you just as you are.
      We are glad you came to visit us today –
      HUGS
      Momma Jean

  20. emma says:

    thank you so much for making this website! i came out as a lesbian to my family a year ago and i’m now treated like an outsider. it’s hard to be around my family because now they’re afraid i’m going to ‘turn their children gay’ or other nonsense. it was extremely hard to go through the holidays last year and i’m so thankful that i found this website because i don’t think i’d be able to get through this year without it. you best believe that i’ll be reading everyday.

    • Momma Jean says:

      Emma,
      We welcome you every day! Feel our love and support each and every time you join us.
      Hugs,
      Momma Jean

  21. Kaitlin says:

    Thank you so much for this letter. This is my first year being a part of this and so far I have never felt more loved then i do now. The holidays are always a hard time for me and i normally cannot wait for them to be over, but you make me feel like maybe they don’t have to be all bad.

    Thank you,
    Kaitlin

    • Momma Jean says:

      Kaitlin,
      It definitely is not all bad.
      We love you and wish you goodness and light
      Momma Jean

  22. Momma Jean says:

    Daniel,
    So sorry this is a tough year for you. Remember you CAN do it and that our love is truly unconditional.
    Come back every day and read the love and encouragement from all the Momma’s.
    Love,
    Momma Jean

  23. Daniel says:

    Thank you for your letter and reminding me that I’m loved. I really appreciate it.
    This year is especially difficult for me because I’ve taken up my first job and I work almost every day on top of going to school. Some days like today I just want to stay in bed and not go to school and just rest. But I can’t do that. This is also the first Christmas that I’ve come to terms with being transgender, and having to hide myself during this season is difficult at work and home. But I’m trying to get through.
    Thank you for your unconditional love, it really helps me in my time of difficulty.
    -Daniel

    • Chey says:

      Dearest Daniel, standing in your truth can be so hard and protecting yourself during holiday times can be completely draining.

      Know that these days WILL pass. You are making hard choices everyday (getting up and getting things done), and your commitment to putting one foot in front of another is testament to your depth of character.

      You’re doing it. All the hard stuff. You are doing it. And I love you for doing the hard stuff.

      I hope you will feel free, sometime soon, to share your whole self with the people around you. But in the meantime, we love you and are proud of you. Everyday. All day.

      Hugs and kisses,
      Mama Chey

  24. Riley says:

    Thank you so much for your letter. Sometimes I need someone to remind me that there is still hope amd people who love me out there. Thank you so much for your loving letter.

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