Holiday Mom: Courtney

yhm courtneyMy precious Holiday Child,
I’d like to start by greeting you the same way I greet your two Holiday Sisters, Lindzy and Lyssa, almost every morning when they wake up.  HelloOoOoOoOoOoOo Beautiful Faces!!!!!!!!!! I hope that you slept well.  I hope you had good dreams and I would love to hear all about them!  This is a routine we go through almost every morning, especially during the school weeks.  We have our mornin’ lovins, talk about our dreams good or bad, and I have my coffee while they have something we call ‘coffeemilk’.  A splash of coffee, a little creamer and the rest milk. Your Holiday Mom loves coffee! Imagine warm pajamas, mugs in hands, talking about purple elephants or flying houses.  Your Holiday Sisters are 7 and 3, so their dreams are wondrous and amazing.  Tell me about your dreams, my Holiday Child.  After our mornin’ lovins we hustle to get ready.
I hope you’re ready to spend Thanksgiving with us!  I’m from a divorced family, so we have quite a few houses we go to on Thanksgiving. We’ll start with my father and stepmother’s.  Lovie and Pawpaw, as your Holiday Sisters call them, are hilarious.  They play fight and bicker the entire time. Pawpaw will be outside, deep frying the turkey, and Lovie will be inside running around like a mad woman.  She won’t remember where she set down anything!  Her glasses will be on top of her head and she will be yelling ‘Courtney Brook I can’t find my glasses!  I can’t find my phone!  I can’t find anything I’m losing my mind!’  Pawpaw will come in and say ‘What is all this shouting about?’  And that is usually our clue to playfully mimic Lovie and say ‘I can’t find anything I’m losing my mind!’ Then Lovie threatens to swat all of our behinds with a wooden spoon. And everyone laughs and hugs one another.
The house is filled with the sounds of laughter and playful bickering and light teasing.  After we eat a little(yes a little…remember we have other places to visit) we hug everyone and tell them we love them and we head to Nana and Pawpaw Bob’s.   Now Nana and Pawpaw Bob are my stepfather’s parents. When we walk in the first thing you’ll smell is Nana’s gumbo.  Pawpaw Bob will hug all of us and tell us all we’ve grown a foot since the last time he saw us. Even me.  I should be 70 feet tall by now, according to how many feet I’ve grown every time I see him!!!!! We’ll all have a cup or bowl of gumbo. Nana is a mother hen, so she will fuss over you and your sisters A LOT!!!!  Be prepared for a hundred and one questions.  Also I will be told I’m too skinny(I’m a solid size 18) and we will be sent off with about a gallon or so of gumbo.  You’re probably thinking its time for us to go home, right? Well you’re wrong.
 Now we go to my Mother and Stepfather’s, who live just across the street from my mother’s parents. There GrammieLou(my mother) and Poppa(my stepfather) will smother us with hugs and shower us with kisses. Poppa will split the gallon of Nana’s gumbo with me so he can have some for later so now we only have a half gallon to take home. GrammieLou will probably ask the same questions everyone has asked at the two previous houses. Then we will all walk across the street to Mimi and Papaws. I know you’re probably thinking ‘more food?!?!?’ YES!!!! More food!!!! More hugs!!!! More kisses!!!!! More QUESTIONS!!!!! Everyone loves you, my wonderful Holiday Child. Everyone accepts you for exactly who you are. You’re one of us, and we love deeply and protect fiercely.
I want you to know that there’s nothing you could do or say that would make me stop loving you.  I am your mother and I will always be here for you, no matter what. There’s nothing we can’t talking about. There isn’t anything you can’t ask me. Nothing will change the way I feel for you.  I may not have had the joy of feeling you grow inside my body, but I have the joy of feeling my love for you grow inside my heart.  I want you to remember that no matter what happens, no matter what anyone says to you I LOVE YOU! From the top of your head to your toes, I love you my sweet angel.  Whenever things get rough I want you to think about laying in my bed with your sisters and all of us cuddling like a big pile of puppies.  Think about time just you and I share, where we can speak freely because little ears aren’t listening.  You and your sisters are the best part of my life.  I will always be here for you, my precious Holiday Child.
And now I’ll close this with your sisters favorite song they like me to sing. Whenever they’re hurt, or sick, or sad, or having problems sleeping I sing this song to them
L- is for the way you look at me
O- is for the only one I see
V- is very very extraordinary
E- is even more than anyone that you adore
And love is all that I can give to you
It’s part of a Nat King Cole song but I’ve sort of made it fit for motherhood. I love you, Holiday Child. Always always know that.
Your Holiday Mom,
Courtney

18 comments

  1. Valerie says:

    Thank you mom, for this beautiful letter.
    I’m so scared of the reactions of a big part of my family. I’m almost certain a part of them will say ‘you don’t know what you want’ and another part is just really homophobic. That’s what they have shown in other cases. One boy was really depressed and had started therapy after being sent there by a doctor and they said ‘everyone deals with a broken heart, it’s no big deal, he shouldn’t make it such a big thing and just get over it. He was suicidal, luckily he is still alive, but it was horrible to hear that. Even while reading your amazing letter, I worried about your family judging me or being mean, even though I’m pretty sure they would be okay with me liking girls.
    I hope you have a lovely holiday, I’ll try to have one and make one too for the people around me.
    Lots of love,
    Valerie

    • Courtney says:

      My precious Valerie, our family…yes OUR family because you are my beautiful baby girl, love you and would never judge you. You love who you love, and that’s that. And we love you so much. I wish I knew this boy, too, so that I could hug him and tell him how much he is loved and how precious he is to me. I wish I could tell him that this too will pass and nothing is worth taking your life. I want you to know Valerie that you are perfect just the way you are and I am so very proud to have you as my daughter!!!!

  2. JJ says:

    Hi mom, I can’t wait for the holidays!
    About my hopes and dreams; I have a big English report that will majorly effect my grade if I do bad so I am hoping to do really well! If I do good the art school might exsept me next year because I have to be a straight a student and I am getting so close

    I am a genderfuild person with they/them pronouns, this is the best website I have ever found and it makes me so happy.

    I bet Nana’s gumbo is amazing and I wish Popp didn’t split the gumbo so we would have it all.

    Love,
    Your holiday child, JJ

    • Courtney says:

      I know in my heart that you will absolutely make an A on that English report and make it into art school!!!! And I know if you tell Poppa you don’t want to split the gumbo, he’ll let us take all of it home :) he loves his babies like that!!!!

      I have absolute faith in you, my JJ!

  3. Caolan says:

    Hi mum,

    This reminds me of the holiday before my biological parents kicked me out of the house. It was always a really busy day on Christmas because we would do our stockings, then we’d go to three other celebrations before the day was through.

    Well, about my hopes and dreams. I’m currently hoping to finish my paper for my linguistics class, and dreaming I’ll have a home for Christmas. Currently all I have is my dorm and I’m not allowed to stay in my dorm over break. On top of that my father refuses to help me with loans or anything. I have to foot a whole $10,000 bill myself.

    At this current point in time, it’s looking like I’ll be homeless for Christmas. The only Christmas present I want is a home. I don’t care anymore about the debt, I just want a home for Christmas, a place to call home.

    I love you mum,
    your dear Holiday Child Caolan (it’s Gaelic, kay-oh-luhn)

    • Courtney says:

      I love you my precious Caolan and I want you to know that you are always welcome here. If I could, I would move heaven and earth for you.

      • Holiday Ciocia says:

        Hi Caolan,

        I love your name, it’s beautiful!

        I hope you are able to find some peace for yourself, even if it’s just for a little while. Sending love and light.

  4. Leon says:

    First, I’d like to say I’d love to tell you about my dreams, and the many novel ideas I have gotten from them. I can no longer tell my birth mother about them, for fear of her yelling about how sinful they are. Just last week I was told I was going to hell for dreaming about an afterlife. I’ve said this many times, but most of the time I feel as if these letters are my only safe haven. Not even my closest friend could accept me completely, nothing hurtful meant to him, I love him dearly, but I just never feel like I can be too comfortable anymore, or someone will leave me. Thank you for writing letters, and caring.

    • Courtney says:

      You can always tell me anything, nothing you can say would ever make me love you any less. I want you to keep writing, I want you to keep dreaming and I especially want you to tell me anything you dream of or think of. You are going to write amazing and wondrous things, and I can’t wait to read them!!!!!!!

  5. May says:

    I love that Nat King Cole song. I sing it to my niece often (she is two today) even though she says hush lol. Your letter warmed my heart and made me feel so welcomed. Thank you so much.

    Love your Holiday child,

    May

      • Courtney says:

        Also 12/12 is my birthday too!!! I was so happy when I was told that my letter would be posted on my birthday!!!!!!!

  6. Daniel says:

    Hi Mom,

    Wow I really can’t wait to spend the holiday season with you, will we do this during Christmas too? I really like people and socializing and I’m glad I can do that without question or criticizing who I am. But I’ll say it once so you can help explain it to the family. My name is Daniel, and I am a transboy who uses he/him pronouns and loves men. That felt good.
    I thought last night I had a dream that my doctor would write me a prescription for testosterone to start my transition, but no it was real. I can’t believe I said no. I’m closeted, so anything I want I have to get in secret. I don’t think I can hide the effects of testosterone for very long without telling my damn birth family. That’s gonna be really hard… my dad doesn’t like Trans people and my mom is really avid on me being a girl for her. It’s tough, but somehow I life my life as a man around those perimeters. I’m sorry for rambling I talk a lot.
    So I’ll leave you with this mom, I promise to take my vitamins when I’m supposed to and consistently take all my pills. And I’ll try to get enough sleep too.
    Have a happy holiday season,

    Your Little Daniel

    • Courtney says:

      My sweet, perfect Daniel…I can’t tell you enough how much i love you…how much WE love you!!!! You are my wonderful and brilliant boy and don’t ever let anyone try to tell you otherwise. I am always here for you, whether it’s Christmas time or not. I love you!

  7. emery says:

    This really touched my heart tonight. Last year I was struggling to come out as bisexual and this year I have been struggling with my gender. My friends are a wonderful support system but as I was just diagnosed with bipolar on top of my epilepsy (my brain is so funny!) being around my family this Christmas is very hard. Thank u for your holiday letter
    Your Holiday Child
    Emery / Sarah

    • Courtney says:

      Your brain is wonderful and I love it and I love you!!!! We will get through this together, I promise you. I love you deeply.

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