Happy Holidays: Mom Min

My Dear Holiday Child,

Today I am offering to be your Holiday Mom. I am not actually a mother, but last year I watched my niece come out to her parents. I saw first hand her anguish and her fears of ex-communication. I offered her my home as a sanctuary, just as I am offering a virtual sanctuary to you today, asking you to imagine my house is yours. Sometimes we need a person (or two or three!) on the sidelines really rooting for us on our journey. I know how to be a your Holiday Mom–someone who can celebrate you while also providing a shoulder to rest on.

For some of you, this time of year might bring sadness because of your family’s inability to accept your sexual orientation, and/or you have to be without your true love as you gather with your family or community. Or, your employer may not allow you to bring, or you may not feel comfortable bringing, your partner to your holiday party at work, so you have to go alone. I know firsthand about this split, for different reasons than yours, because I went through it myself. This split is unnatural. It made me feel sad and alone, not festive and merry! 

This season, if you’d like, you can imagine you are coming to my house. When you arrive, I will greet you at my door with a big hug that tells you I have been waiting for you, and how much we were looking forward to your company. You can expect an eclectic meal…my husband is always interesting in cooking at least one extravagant dish every year for Christmas. One year, it was duck. Another year, it was figgy pudding. I have no idea what he is going to concoct this year. I am really hoping he just sticks with Christmas cookies so I can make some Cornish hens! You can also expect a fresh tree that smells up the house with pine. There is soy eggnog with cinnamon and nutmeg. There is a present for you.  If you like, we can play games and exchange stories. We would like to know you, as you are. You can expect our cats, Biscuit and Chandra, wanting some of your attention too!

What I want you to know is this: I embrace you. I see you stand so bravely on the very spot you are on. And I encourage you, to trust yourself, to trust your journey. You are growing into a fine young person, with so much to look forward to. I am fiercely proud of you and who you are becoming. I know your heart, and you can know in this house that you are encouraged. I want to see you smile. In the midst of it, there is one thing that can make it easier: try to find compassion as much as you can for yourself and for others. We are all really just struggling here. I want to tell you–there is always some beautiful gold on this path, so don’t miss it! Look out for it, on this lovely ground made of your own existence and choice. Trust yourself.

Here, we just want you to relax and be yourself. So put your feet up, play with the cats, and feel at home.

Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, from our house to yours!

With Love,

Mom Min

 

24 comments

  1. Chris, the Dreamer says:

    Greetings. I’m a… *deep breath* …nerdy 18-year-old Vietnamese-American FtM who really likes drawing, learning, video games, food, dreaming, and affecting people’s lives for the better. (Huzzah for adjectives!) Pleased to make your acquaintance, and sincere thanks for your warm letter! I stumbled upon this lovely site through a happy misclick on a Facebook page, and I’ve never made a better misclick.

    From my geeky standpoint, I must say that whole tidbit in the responses about your cat’s name was quite intriguing. Also, I would’ve loved to help your husband whip something tasty up! I’ve had my eye on making these cream puffs since they look so similar to the ones that my aging aunt makes that all the kids freak out over, haha!
    http://allrecipes.com/video/1307/cream-puffs/detail.aspx

    I wish I had a family and home as warm as yours to go to. My house is stuffy with pent-up negative feelings, and my family’s scattered, divided, and for the most part homophobic. It’s hard to talk to them because I’m so American/”whitewashed” and they still hold on to many traditional Asian ideals.

    The New Year’s coming, and I wish you the best fortune. I really do! There’s not enough people as kind as you are. As for myself next year, I’m… I’m scared, really. I’ve told my mom, big sister, and best friends about being trans, but it’s not public yet because I’m a socially awkward introvert, and I’m scared of not only growing up, but growing up as an Asian asexual FtM. Even with my fears, I want to transition and advance in life with my head held high. And with the help of people as kind and supporting as you, I’m starting to feel like I really can.

    I admit, I cried a few tears while reading your letter. Tears for the warm home I’ve never had, tears for the lovingly proud parents I wish mine were more like, tears from the frightened child I know I still am inside, tears for my future adopted children that I’ll love with all my heart… “I want to see you smile,” you said. I want to look my children in the eyes and say that to them with a smile of my own, I want to adopt them to reduce the number of abandoned children badly in need of a loving (though on my part, eccentric) parent. I want to take my pain and turn it into happiness and hope for others. And I want to thank you for your own kindness. So… Thank you. Thank you for your words, for your kind feelings, for everything.

    • tamilyn says:

      ohhhh chris … your misclick brought u to the land of uncondittional exceptance and squisheyyyyyyyyyyy hugs xoxox Happy hoildays ..you might be a dreamer .. but your not the only one xo love,peace&light

    • Jackie says:

      Chris,
      Your heart already filled with so much love for the children you’ll raise one day moved me to tears. This site isn’t just for our adopted holiday children, it’s for us moms too. Your notes open our hearts even more, remind us to hug our children extra this holiday season. Our lives are forever touched by your stories. We’ll carry them with us as part of our inner story, reshaping how we see and experience the world. Thank you for letting us ‘see’ and love you. Xo

    • Mom Min says:

      Thank you for your blessings for the New Year, Chris and for sharing so many tidbits of yourself here! By the way, we are pretty nerdy here too. I really hear your caring heart through out your message–you are right, growing up can be Tough, and it sounds like you are shouldering alot. Gently, I just want to say that life has a way of opening up, down the road, and provides the chance to create the home and life we truly deserve. Growing up, I was quite lonely. I feel you are really onto something when you say that you want to take your pain and turn it into hope and happiness for others. I know you will, and how beautiful to do so. Showering blessings on you too!

  2. C says:

    Your words are so beautyFULL, heartFELT & comforting. Oh how I wish I truly could come to your house for Christmas. It has been a long & lonely road. I have been single for almost 9 years now. My parents & I were estranged for 15 years. We just began to speak again the year before my father passed in 2002. I have since connected with him on Spirit side. He has said a lot of things to me. One thing he said is “I see what you have done with your life. And I wish I could have done the same” My mom passed last year.

    I have done so much work around all of this. I have grown. So much wisdom has arisen. For that part I am truly grateFULL!

    And still, when it comes to the holidays…I am here…alone…it brings so much to the surface…or I still find myself distracting myself with anything…

    I know that I have been thru all of this, because it is fueling this vision/dream that has been burning inside me to take in teenage girls in the foster care system. For that I am profoundly thankFULL.

    AND I still need that place. I wonder how I can step into this vision (that seems to be getting bigger every day) without a soft place to land some where. Without someone that says ‘I am walking thru this with you. Thru thick & thin.’

    I don’t have friends that I hang out with. I live in a small gay town. And I don’t fit in there either. Don’t get me wrong. I am a big fish in a little pond. Everyone knows me & loves me. And I them. But I just don’t relate to the bar scene.

    So to even begin to imagine that someone truly wants to hear what I am feeling, is over the top. *I* am that person. *I* am that person that walks others thru their emotions & their struggles. *I* am that person that comforts & nurtures them. That listens. And I do love every moment of that gift that I have.

    And I need it too. Without all of the spiritual cliches or bumper stickers. How do we just stand in the presence of another & just say I’m here? I want to hear it all. And not try to fix it. Or to imply that if they just tho’t differently, it would be bliss. This is not bliss. Not that I don’t experience PROFOUND bliss when I am truly able to explore all that is up.

    When I read the letters earlier this evening, I was so deeply moved. Then, the earth started to shatter & shake. I could feel myself getting in touch with these feelings that live inside me about all of this. I had actually become quite complacent. So again I thank you…I think…ha

    I had parents (adopted) that raised me. But truly I have been an orphan my whole life. Even long before I came out when I was 21. And am now 52.

    Thank you! To have you waiting for me at the door is something that is beyond my comprehension. But I am open…& willing…truly…heart wide open ❤

    • Jackie says:

      C…You are so filled with loving grace. I could feel the intensity of both your ability to love , and your longing to feel and be loved. As I read the comments, it moves me how courageous so many of you are.

      I have a friend who seems to be very much like you….so much love she extends to others. And in her heart she aches to feel the same. Like you, *she is the one who holds space for others. I want to hold you both, to tell you so many love and care how you’re feeling.

      My wish for you this holiday season is for love to wrap herself so radiantly around you, you can’t help but feel her warmth. All these feelings coming up for you, although it might not feel like it, are your heart opening to receive love. I so honor you and the story of your life. Much, much love dear C. Xoxo

    • Mom Min says:

      It is humbling to be even a small part of your profound experience. and wonderful to be reminded that I am sharing this planet with someone so consciously moving along their journey. Thank you!

  3. Aethan says:

    Your message moved me to tears. I wish there were more people like you in the world. As a recently realised Trans man in a relationship with a straight cis man, having so much difficulty and sorrow in my life from the conflict that has wrought, I wish so dearly that my partner could be as accepting, understanding and loving as you, a total stranger, have been to me today.

    • Jackie says:

      Bless your heart Aethan. There are many of us moms here who love you unconditionally. We see the purity of your heart…and hold you in ours. Since day one of our letters here, as I read all your comments, it endears each one of you to me. And so you are with me in a very real way, and I want you to know my (and our) love is with you. Sending love…xo

  4. Phil says:

    I am so thankful for all mothers out there that are willing to extend a hand to us: the nearly unwanted. But it was this letter that really touched me. Growing up in the south made it especially difficult for me to cope with being gay. And telling my parents was a near impossible act. But I did, and because of that small act of honest bravery, I was shut out. I live on my own now, in a different state, but I can’t deny that I do miss my mother, though we’ll probably never have a relationship.

    I just want to give you, my virtual mother min, my thanks. This letter is the perfect Christmas present.

    Your loving, virtual, son
    Phil

    • Jackie says:

      Oh Phil….you are so loved and wanted here! What a difficult experience for a young man. You’re not alone out there. Lots of mom love in this space. I’ll be thinking of you as I hug my own son on his return from college in a few weeks. My love and hugs will be meant for you too…wherever you are. All my love…xo

    • Mom Min says:

      Dearest Phil, your letter touched me very deeply too. I understand only too well what you mean when you speak of your act of bravery and being shut out. Its been a long slog back to my own family after speaking up in my twenties and being cast out. I am so proud of you, really. Because you were true to your heart, despite the danger, and you didn’t let yourself down. It says so much about you, really, even if you can’t feel or see the reward on the surface. It may be a small brave act, but I trust there will be many positive ripple effects down the road. I hope you never change that beautiful heart of yours. I am so grateful to have connected with such a sweet, brave person here. I will be sure to hold a space under our tree for you this year, Phil. With love, Mom Min

  5. Antonio Neto says:

    God! How great and beautiful your words are! I miss a home like you told and now, I know that even not having support at home, I have a home where I can spend my holidays. And as you told, I can bring my beloved boyfriend! I love you Mom! I miss people like you in my life! Thank you for these beautiful words, they made my day!
    Beijos :) 😉

    • tamilyn says:

      ohhh lets throw in a big squishey hug toooooo with that loving acceptance .. xo Happy Holidays Khristine!!!!

  6. Anna says:

    Thank you so much. I really needed them today after just receiving an email from my sister out of the blue, linking me to an article full of hatespeech and misinformation about homosexuality. She thought it would help me. It helped me feel hurt, bewildered, and isolated. I really needed some warm words and comfort and you were just in time.

    I’m staying away from my family this Christmas, but I loved the images that you offered me of what Christmas could be like. I love the name Chandra for your cat… like the X-ray imaging satellite? So cute! Many thanks again for your kind words and thoughts that will warm me up this Christmas season.

    • Mom Min says:

      Sounds like you are doing a great job practicing compassion, both towards her and yourself. I shudder to think of the mis-guided attempts at information she passed your way. Thank you so much for letting me know that Chandra is a NASA telescope. I had NO idea. The name means “moon” in Hindi and because he’s a complete “tuxedo” (black and white) cat, we both loved the name for him. But I love the extra kick in meaning there! We will keep a space for you under our tree this year (for real). Peace and love, Mom Min

      • Anna says:

        Haha oh! I’m such a nerd. It would make sense though, since I think the Chandra telescope satellite was named after Chandrasekhar (sp?) who was an Indian Nobel prize winner in physics for his work on black holes. He calculated the Chandrasekhar limit, which is the minimum mass that a star must be in order to create a black hole. He is relevant to all of this additionally because he was the subject of a lot of discrimination, especially in his field. Many people tried to discredit his research because they believed that an Indian could not possibly have the education or intelligence to do it. He’s a hero of mine. In case you couldn’t tell, I am a physicist. I bet you didn’t know what a rich history your cat’s name can reveal!

        I am trying my best to remain compassionate and understanding, but it is pretty stressful having these things sprung on me. Your encouragement helps me get through it.

        • tamilyn says:

          one way to look at your sisters email is to pity her a little .. i feel sorry for people that are still sooooo ignorant in the era we live in ..how sad it must be for them to have such little knowledge of what love and higher thinking is ..and all the great experiences they miss out on due to their close mindedness ..like this one for instance :) thank you so much for sharing and i wish you patience and love in dealing with others lack of evolution xo All the best in 2013 xo

          ps: thanks for the nasa info .. im a bit of a geek too!!!!

  7. Amir says:

    I am actually nearing 30 so I don’t know that I count as a fine young person, but I feel like this is the love I needed this holiday season.

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